I had a few days not too long ago when a former friend called suicide stopped by for a visit. The day he showed up I wasn’t sure whether to close the door on him or let him take a seat. There I was washing the dishes with my thoughts everywhere but up and I suddenly heard a voice say, “its days like this when suicide seems like a viable option”.
You may know those days. When you are hurting so much and just want it to stop and you can’t see how it will stop. You pray that morning comes and brings with it that joy that is spoken of in Psalm 30:5. Morning showed up but joy took a different road before the sun rose. After one too many mornings of no joy, and too many nights of staring at the walls and you begin to think maybe this is how life will be.
Those are the days when I know someone else is praying for me because I don’t think I can muster a proper Dear God and the only thing I want to do is curl up and die. Those are the days I am thankful that I am a child of God and that the Holy Spirit resident within me goes to battle on my behalf. Everyone who has accepted Jesus as their Lord and Saviour also receives the gift of the Holy Spirit on the inside. Jesus said, ‘I’m going but I will send you a Comforter’ (John 16:7) and that is what the Spirit does. He comforts you in moments when you cannot find it anywhere. In those moments where there is not a friend you can call or even if you have, their words have not helped dull or ease the pain, the Holy Spirit protects you and covers you while your soul heals.
Having met this particular friend before, I knew how to deal with him when he stopped by. When we first met, I thought that period of my life was the darkest I would ever want my life to be and as it was a direct result of my own choices, I felt this must be my punishment, I will have to live this depressed and hopeless for years to come. The thought of that terrified me and I didn’t believe or even want to think that I could survive something so painful. I would like to think I prayed a lot through that season but I don’t know that I did. I remember music, listening to Luther Vandross, Fred Hammond, and other artists who I enjoyed. They were singing about the things I wanted in my life, love, passion, hope, peace, joy.
So when he came calling again, I could shake him off much faster because I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted me to give in to the pain and destroy a dream growing within me. He wanted me to dwell on my failures and not see the good that would come from letting it go. I went back to the music to replenish my empty tank. Now with so much media online I had much more options but I stuck with Luther and Fred.
The devil doesn’t play the card of suicide lightly, often its a last resort because nothing else has worked and you haven’t given up no matter what has been thrown at you. You keep praying and believing and working on your dream. Even when all the chips seemed stacked against you, somewhere deep inside you find one more bit of energy to take another step.
I run to the music that makes me laugh, feel at peace and helps me to take my mind off of me and failures and puts my trust in God.
What do you on those days when everything inside of you says give up?