Back up a Bit

I won’t tell you how many tries it took to get my first driver’s license. Probably somewhere else on this blog that information is already written but no need to go over that. I do remember what got me every time was parking between the cones.

This after driving on major highways and everything the officer asked me to do. All I had to do was drive into the DMV and park between the cones. For the life of me, I would freeze and couldn’t accomplish the simple manuever I had never failed with my driving instructor. He was more baffled than I was that I kept hitting them as he knew I could do it.

But fear. Fear got me every time. I have always gone after what I wanted and I thrived more on the energy and passion needed to get that thing and when it was in reach, I would just freeze. Somehow I had convinced myself that I was not deserving of it and also I wasn’t ready to deal with the talk from family and just people in general when I reached my goal. It’s crazy I know but that alone would stop me and that fear has threatened me so many times in the past two years. I feel it faintly now but certainly not as before. This time its not so much what other people would say as my feelings of inadequacy that maybe I’ve been after something I am not qualified or capable of handling well.

I know it is not true. My God loves me too much than to give me things that will hurt me or that He is not able to help me through. The secret is to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on myself. So often these past two years, I feel as if I’ve been reliving experiences from my past as if life had given me a second chance to make a better decision. Did I have the courage to make the choice I didn’t make back then? I did…more than once. And the faster I made a better decision the more opportunities came to make big and better choices. It has been a time to dream again and to believe that I deserve my heart’s desires because my heart belongs to the One who died for me. He says I am good enough. He said I didn’t have to be anything more than willing to trust Him and believe. I do. I do. I do.

So now here, I am again on the brink of making one more decision. To go after a goal I passed up more than once even though it was my secret desire to have it. Do I have the courage to go for it and at what cost? I will soon find out.

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