15 July 2006
Ok, in my head, I’ve already had the book party, the radio and television interviews to talk about my first published book and my impending book tour.
Truth is; I am here struggling to write. Wondering if it’s realistic to even do this? Worried about what I will find out about myself in this process. I am fearful that I won’t like the woman I see that she will be a greater failure than imagined, that my flights of fancy are just that – a fantasy – unrealistic and unattainable.
Like so many women I am guilty of the daydream. The long version that lasts days, weeks, months, even years. Where you get a thought in your head about someone and your imagination does the rest. Regardless of the fact he has not called you in eons or maybe never, he does not know the names of your children, or your mother but in your world he is Mr. Right. Immediately and without application you have enthroned him on the pillars of your heart, your body, mind and spirit and you sit waiting for the truth to hit him.
You are in denial. You pretend he is preoccupied with other things and will notice you eventually. That can well be true but while you wait for him to clue in, you have parked your car. The engine is still running, kids in the back seat complaining of the heat and hunger and you wait.
You forgot what the journey was about – Growth. You have decided that you can’t make another move in your life without Mr. Right by your side and you being the romantic that you are have decided to wait. And wait you do.
The kids have long since jumped out the window in search of cool shade and a bite to eat. They have found out how to live without you, while you day dream your life away. They have grown up and gone and you still can’t see you missed the moment.
I don’t want to miss anymore moments because I afraid to move ahead alone. I don’t want to miss my children grow up and think needing others more than me, is a good thing. I do not want to miss this process of confronting the things I am fearful of in my pursuit to love. I don’t want to miss me because I would be missing the most valued gift in my life.
PRAYER: Lord, help me not to miss the gift that is me.