Recently I have been reviewing my old journals just to see how far I’ve come. Surprise, surprise I have grown but at the same time, I see the areas that continue to be a challenge at each new stage of growth, here are a few of the things that were on my mind in 2004, as I was to make another move.
April 13, 2004
Change occurs daily if you allow it. To resist is to remain without. Without opportunities that are only created and seen when we move out of our comfort zone.
I am like a chameleon. I can adapt to most anything but I hate the transition from one identity to another. Once I get settled in an identity, a location, a space in my mind where organize chaos occurs, I am okay. I dislike having to shed an identity like someone pulling off the covers when it is below zero and the heater’s not working.
I am mad right now, for it is time to shed this me, this woman who got comfortable with pain, with silence, with anger, without love, without passion, without a home, without a lover.
I am seeking something now but I don’t know what it looks like, what it feels like. I see no human equivalent. I got to keep asking God to show me, to remind me that what I seek is peace. If I can just learn to build my identity in Christ, then I won’t be so mad, so afraid, so alone. For then I would know that God is guiding me through this change. Gosh, it hurts. It hurts bad. It comes and it goes and I am confused. I question my decisions, wondering if I should really pay attention to the past and protect me from it happening again. It seems wise but then it means closing my heart off to experiencing change.
Change in my love relationship, change in my finances, change towards providing more of the life I want for my children, change towards achieving more of my goals. I want it but I don’t know what it feels like and I am afraid. Help me God.