I’m Sorry

I’ve heard that phrase many times since the day I left my marriage but hearing it tonight was different. Not sure why but it felt as if he finally got it and he really was sorry. I’m not in his head so maybe all the other times he was sincere too and this was the first time I actually listened.

What I remember most about the call was not the “I’m Sorry” it was the “I wish I had known how to love you better.” Probably because I remember the night I cried myself to sleep with those words. The night I realised that no amount of crying and praying had changed the fact that my marriage was not what it should be and nothing I tried would change that. I was hurting and was tired of being hurt.

I could never blame him for all that went wrong, the first blame will always be mine for compromising on what I always wanted and allowing fear to make me believe this was all I deserved. I surrendered my power in that moment, to someone who did not know how to take care of it and used it against me.

“I’m Sorry too”. Sorry we have to work out our flawed souls on innocent children and other hurting creatures. I’m Sorry that I don’t always know the right thing to say and the right thing to do at the right time. I am Sorry for being impatient and speaking too quickly, sometimes without thinking about how my words could be taken.

I did not feel sorry for him, I felt sorry for myself because now I know we have passed the point of no return.

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