I found myself in tears during Christmas morning service as I reflected on where I now was and how things have changed in less than two years. Making one decision to walk away from a bad marriage and more importantly a life that did not reflect my purpose or passions changed everything.
It was a gutsy move and I have to tell you so. There was no one to agree and say its the right thing to do…all I knew was that my life was not working and it had to change or I would die. I feared dying without publishing a book, recording an album, making a movie. I feared leaving my children with memories of a mother who only cried, who never sang and who they did not know liked to dance. I wanted them to have a different definition of love than the one they were seeing practiced in their home.
Times like these are when you have to believe in a God, because you are at your wits end, you can’t think positive enough, plan, create, manipulate or work your way through the darkness, you just hope that someone greater than yourself is hearing your cries, seeing the tears and decoding the message. Words seem useless and the name of Jesus becomes the mantra.
I am so glad He switched the light on. The bible says, “they that worship Him must worship Him in Spirit and truth” John 4:24. I was a fraud because I was living a lie…pretending I was happy when I was not…pretending that the life I had was the one I wanted…Acknowledging the truth made the difference.
It was immediate. I could sleep without worry. Suddenly I could smile, laugh, sing, dance, and write creatively. I knew deciding to leave would cause more strife and could mean my hurt or the children but the peace that came from admitting that this life was not for me…was worth it.
Things did not change overnight. It took another four months before I could leave as there was no money to make the trip home with three kids and one on the way. I had a short window of opportunity. It had to happen before May, when Josh would turn two and the airfare would go from 60 pounds to over 300 and before the baby came.
Four months for God to work a miracle and find me some work that could pay off the bills and pay my way home…He took His time about it but He did. And while I waited He helped me with my anger, my self-esteem, restoring love and wholeness to my heart so I could move on with joy and hope and not look back.
But I took a moment to look back so I could remind myself that this was a journey and it was not over yet. I was well on my way and at this rest point, the distance covered had been worth the challenges.
I wish you much love and happiness in 2007 and hope you will no longer look back with regrets but look forward with hope.